Local Heroes

Another of my obsessions. The local loonies, that add colour to a town. You know the type. The ones that walk around mumbling, or shouting, or never saying anything.

There's one in particular round here who's a favourite of mine. Ivor. He's an old guy now, and I think he's always been old. He's been around for as long as I can remember. Always walking through the town centre, several yards behind his tiny wife, shuffling at a snails pace. Big long coat whatever the weather. Black fingers and mad hair. But his main selling point? Shouting the news at strangers, as only he can.

During the post strike a few years ago, he shouted at me "Postman Pat's getting a promotion".

"What to, Ivor?" I replied.

"Senior Postman, of course" was his genius reply.

He's come out with some beauties over the years. "Jesus Christ comes from Cornwall" is inspired, in my humble opinion. I once tried to start a campaign to get him made town crier - give him a robe and a bell and people will come from miles around to see him. I often wonder what he does when he's at home. What music does he listen to? Chas and Dave? Napalm Death? Lee Scratch Perry? Chopin? Does he watch TV? Films? Who knows?

Still, he's an old man now. What used to look like amusing senility has become something sadder. I don't want to say pathetic, but it's close. There's occasionally suspicious stains down the back of his trousers, and he's shaving less. It's sad to see, and it'll be a sad day when the inevitable happens. The town won't seem quite the same without some shouting "She's a very naughty girl, that Paris Hilton".

Any characters round your way? Tell me about them. Go on.

Tom.